Thursday, November 06, 2008

I want a normal life, damn it, ACT I.

I want a normal life.  I want to wake up too early for a job that I can barely tolerate, but have to have in order to put food on the table. I want to drop my kid off at school, rush to the office (do I have to get every red light), and breathe a sigh of relief that my boss is out today.  I'll surf the web for a few minutes, check my personal email, get a cup of something hot and work hard for a couple hours.  I'll complain about the weather and walk to get something for lunch.  Eat it at my desk because I've surfed the web a little too long and I don't like that little intern in the lunchroom. Thank god she's leaving for school soon.  I'll go back to my computer and my desk, and stare at the screen.  Aren't I supposed to be doing something? Agh, the contractor made a big mistake; great, now I've got something to occupy myself for the next few hours. Oh no, is it that time already?

Damn, the traffic today, why does everyone drive so slow when it rains, even a little bit?  Pick up the kid from school, how was the day?  Any problems?  Whew, that little Shit in his class didn't pick on him today.  What's for dinner?  Mac and cheese for the little one, I'll have a bowl of cereal, and my husband can eat whatever.  Homework, christ, what are these teachers thinking with all the homework?  Kid can watch half an hour of TV I don't care if its SpongeBob WhoBob while I clean the kitchen and do some laundry.  Need clean underwear tomorrow, what, no uniform shirt for tomorrow?  Kid in the shower, glad he's becoming more independent, no I'm not looking at your perfectly formed naked boy body in the shower, kid, I'm doing the laundry! I'm your mom for pete's sake what's to be embarrassed about, I gave birth to you. You have five more minutes buddy wash your hair.  Struggle into the pajamas, smear on the lotion so you don't get itchy.  Brush those teeth especially the permanent ones, longer dude don't want cavities. Why are you crying, get those pjs on already.  Read two books, set the alarm, get the drink of water, shut off the lights, sing the Mommy Loves Me Whole Family song. ah, he's fallen asleep, sigh of relief.  make the coffee, sweep the floor, dishes can wait until the morning, husband watching tv watching tv watching tv. I'm off to bed. pick out clothes for tomorrow (or not), set alarm, get back up, check on kid, set uniform out, apply lip balm and finally finally settle down for sleep. not tonight honey i'm tired maybe tomorrow or this weekend?

Curling into a fetal position now

pulling the covers over my head, the warm comforter drawing the constant chill out of my body. warming my toes, my nose, shutting out the world that I don't want to be a part of.  I want to be part of another world, a different world, one that makes sense and not nonsense. a world that isn't about fighting and conflict, I'm right, you're right, who's right and who fucking cares?