Monday, February 13, 2012

Pretty Woman, Don't Walk On By

Tomorrow, my oldest becomes a teenager.  He’s stinky, has jock itch, small acne blooms on his nose, dandruff, and roaming hands.  

So attractive, I know, this road to becoming a man.

Despite having a communication disorder that results in large deficits in his social skills, I have complete confidence that my boy will have an easy time meeting new lady friends.  After all, he’s been putting the moves on his female therapists for years, and he’s got his rap DOWN.

And he's not shy.  Oh no, not my Conor.

“HimynameisConorwhatsyourname?” he splurts out quickly at pretty women he spies passing by on the street.  (Overwhelmingly, they are exceedingly nice. Despite his progress over the years, you can easily tell that he’s not typical.)

Quizzically, they look at me.  Inwardly, I sigh. I’m used to being Conor’s interpreter. I repeat his question.

“Oh, my name is Andrea,” she might say with a smile.

“HowoldisAndrea?” he’ll quickly retort, pointing his finger at her.

“I’m great!”  Big smile.  No, I clarify, he wants to know how old you are.  He’s hard to understand, in his quick falsetto, fast as machine gun fire.

“WhensAndreasbirthday?” he’ll say, pointing at her again.

“June 14th!”  Gosh, this gal caught onto Conorese quickly.

“Ok, Conor,” I’ll say.  “Let’s get going!”  Big, fake smile.

“Andreadoyouhaveapet?” he continues. Oh Lord, take me now.

“I have a dog!” she replies.

“Andreawhatsyourdogsname?” he asks, still jabbing his finger at her.  Now I can really feel the embarrassment coming on.  How much longer do we have to talk to this complete stranger, nice as she is?

“Peaches,” she smiles.

Conor looks away.  He’s lost interest in the conversation and, thankfully, mercifully, he’s ready to move on.

Thank you, I mouth at the pretty woman.  She looks like a mom.  In any case, mom or not, she gets it.

If accosting unknown pretty women on the street doesn’t work, Conor has his back-up plan.  Today, I saw him sneak a kiss on the arm of the buxom behavioral therapist at the Kennedy Krieger Institute. 

Dude, whoa, slow down, you just met this girl last week! How about buying her dinner, or at least a drink first?

Look at how young Bruce Springsteen is in this video!

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