As soon as she saw me, she got a wry smile on her face and stopped batting the birdie back and forth. Conor danced off; he was listening to his portable CD player at the same time.
She was trying hard not to chuckle.
"Um, Conor's had a lot of interesting questions tonight," she reported, bobbing her head. "He wanted to know what S&M stood for."
My eyebrows shot up.
"I asked him what he meant, where he heard that" she continued, her eyes dancing. "He told me--'Rihanna'."
Oh, for the love of Pete, I thought as I flung my purse onto the table.
"I told him it stood for science and math," she elaborated. "I don't think he quite bought it. Jim told him soup and macaroni."
"Why?" Conor had asked her, confused by the response. "Why does S&M stand for science and math?"
"Because some people think they're fun," she replied, not really knowing what to say. "Science and math--fun!"(You gotta give it to Paisley, she tries.)
Look, Rihanna, I'm sure your mom's real proud of your hit song S&M (it's quite a catchy little ditty) but how in the name of Mary am I supposed to explain this to Conor? I've already had to navigate the land mine of Lovely Lady Lumps, for Pete's sake. I haven't even talked to him about straight-up vanilla sex, much less the trickier aspects of the whole whatever-floats-your-boat thing.
How do I explain this to my son who is chronologically a teenager but, in many aspects, is much younger than his 10 year-old brother? My son--he can't tell me what he did during the day but can find anything he wants on the computer, on the iTunes store?
Already, I've danced around (metaphorically and literally) Katy Perry's mention of a ménage à trois in her smash Last Friday Night. (My kids don't speak French, though, so I think I'm golden on that one. Fantastique!)
It's the age old rock 'n roll push-me pull-me of one generation to the next, I suppose. I'm sure my mom wasn't too fond of Madonna, although I certainly thought she was da bomb. But please, I'd be happy to talk to Conor about what "virgin" means, but bondage? Threesomes? Seriously?
Um, no, that's what the Internet is for, sweetie. I'll move your computer into your room tout de suite.
(Of course, there was Madonna's 1992 coffee table book, SEX, which I'm sure never really graced anyone's coffee table. Maybe a night stand. A closet?)
Honestly, I don't know what criteria the FCC uses to judge these things. Fun.'s song talks about "getting higher than the Empire state" and THAT's edited out (sometimes) but S&M and ménage à trios make the cut? Really?
I don't know about you, but I'd much rather talk to my son (typical or otherwise) about the dangers of heroin and methamphetamine than whips and chains. (Which I only mention because she sings about them in the song, I swear.)
I haven't gotten past good-touch/bad-touch with Conor, how in the world am I supposed to explain S&M? To a kid who will, in reality, most likely, never have sex?
I know! Instead of reading to him from Charlotte's Web, or Stuart Little, or even The Lemonade Wars, I'll start him on 50 Shades of Grey. That'll certainly be educational in more than one way.